Things We Sacrifice For Happiness

As you could tell from the scarcity of recent posts, spring semester has started. As intense as the past two weeks have been, the past 14 days feel like only five have gone by. I am taking more units this semester and working over time at the job that pays the bills. As much as I would love the continued overtime pay for working six days a week, I had to tell my boss a few days ago that I couldn't continue working that (even though I will still be working 45 hours a week for now.) Less than two weeks into the semester and I was falling behind in my classes already. That just wasn't going to work.

During the years, months, days I was sick, I would think of all the things I wanted to do that I couldn't. Besides the obvious getting healthy & finding a home again, the one thing I wanted to do more than anything first was go back to school. I already had a degree from some years prior, and had continued going to school until 2008. I loved learning, and there were so many things I wanted to accomplish in life. Before I lost everything, I was also already losing a part of myself. I gave up some parts of myself because I thought I was meant to have other things. I know very much now, that is not the case at all. Learning that lesson was very painful, but seeing things in the reality they are now, it was probably one of the best things to happen to me. You can't make something happen if it isn't meant to be, and you wouldn't want something to happen if you know you were meant for something much better. So many things we can't see when we are going through them.

I have 11 and 12 hour days now. I spend Friday nights doing homework, and attempt to go to bed early so that I can get up for work Saturday morning. I have to say "no" a lot more now than I did last semester. Of course I wish there were more hours in the day so that I could have time to do more fun things as well, but I don't feel like I'm missing out on more than if I was able to do them.

I wanted this so, so much during the days when all I could do was dream about what I wanted to do. Doing what I am now feels so good. It feels so amazing to be physically (and mentally, and emotionally) capable to do all of this. By helping myself I can now help others, and continue to grow in both directions. I have sacrificed a lot for happiness, but I am gaining so much more each day.