It's Okay to Not Be Okay

It's okay to not be okay.
And flaws don't always have to be fixed.

A semester from hell & moving are over. Back to blogging.

The Natural Beauty and Body Blogger Blog is about to turn 1 year old in about a month. Although based around health, fitness, and nutrition, it also had a meaning to focus on happiness. I have been on my own journey to happiness for a couple years now, and I hoped on my journey I could help others find more happiness too.

Around two years ago things started to turn pretty well for me. My poor health that had left me all but bed ridden for a couple years was getting to be in the best shape in my life, I felt great, I was starting a new job, I was "getting back to life" and leaving my "past life" (both quotes & terms I have used a lot) behind me. Everything I was feeling and doing I wanted more of obviously. All this happiness I never had before. This feeling good & being so positive. I wanted to hold on to it to the point I was either choking it or aspiring to be Ghandi or something. I didn't want to break all the positivity.

There were several things I wanted to let go of and make peace with. I wanted to forgive and understand all the bad things (and some bad people) that had happened to me. Isn't that what I needed to move on? Isn't that what I wanted & should try to achieve? For some reason I have always felt the need to try to understand things, even if I don't agree with them. Probably especially if I don't agree with them. Over a year or two there were a few small things that still annoyed me but weren't affecting me anymore, but a couple big things (okay, really one very big thing) that I just couldn't get over. And I tried so hard. I tried ridiculous things. I tried forgiving people multiple times for things they probably shouldn't have gotten my forgiveness before, because for some reason forgiving that was easier. I tried looking at things a certain way for a few months to see if it would stick & I would get over it, and it didn't. I tried going to therapy. I tried finding answers in places that I should have known I'd never get answers from. Maybe I did know the whole time, but I still tried because I unrealistically wanted to understand something that I probably never will.

Which leads me to the fact: It is okay to not be okay.

So wrapped up in wanting my new life to be peaceful and perfect and happy and all-forgiving, I almost forgot I was living in reality. Reality is obviously flawed, but that doesn't mean it has to be fixed. Bad things will happen, people will be mean. You can't control or fix everything that happens, but you can control your reaction. Or at least most of it. I was hoping & waiting for the time I would just be okay with certain things. In reality though, I will probably never be okay with certain things that happened, but that IS okay. We have the right to not be okay. We have the right to be mad. We have the right to not want to deal with anything again, and the right to move on. I didn't think that still being upset with some things would help me move on, but it wasn't until I accepted that fact that I was able to make more progress than I had in years. About six months ago I somehow made peace with the fact that I wasn't going to get the answers I was looking for, at least in the way I thought I might have received them.

My answers were in time, within myself.
I've been through many painful things in life, but time does heal things like you wouldn't believe. You can see scars, but you can't feel them anymore. You can grow. You can move on. You can be happy.

It feels good to be able to say, I am not okay with what happened, but I am so happy and thankful for where I am now.
You have all this life ahead of you. Use it to be happy. :)

<3,

Samantha Marie